Go West

I've always loved the idea of travelling cross country by train. I've dreamed of solving murders with mustachioed Belgians and dancing the night away in the cargo hold with stowaway hobos strumming one-string fiddles. It's a child's dream really but sure, all the best ones are. So when the decision was made to venture westward from Toronto to Vancouver, rather than taking a 5-hour flight, I opted instead to travel by rail - and drag the missus along for the ride. The next day, our seats on The Canadian were booked. Three-and-a-half days through central Canada (also known as the empty part of Canada).

There's a few different ways to travel on The Canadian, each with varying degrees of luxury and comfort. At the top of the ladder you have cabins, complete with beds, en suites and 3-course meals (mucho mucho dinero). At the far end, there's economy, which is a seat and a pot to piss in (also known as a toilet). Don't look for showers - there are none - and develop a taste for Pringles and microwaved burgers before you go. In between the two extremes are the sleeping berths, which are shared cabins with fold-out beds and communal showers. Perhaps that's the best way to travel. But we went for economy (and I'm still hearing about it to this day).

Going budget, as I call it, has it's little tricks and quirks. First off, sleeping arrangements. Two seats might not make a bed but they do make for a bigger seat. As soon as the train left Toronto the whole carriage sprung to their feet, abandoned their assigned seating, and went in search of the elusive 'double empty'. Even with two seats though, I still had a less than comfortable bum-in-the-air-head-against-the-window sleeping position for 4 nights. It was made all the more unpleasant by the fact that I was station directly in front of a particularly pungent traveler. This solitary teenager seemed to have no luggage with him and slept for almost the entire journey, rousing from his sleep only to visit the loo, where he presumably pissed on his clothes before returning to his hibernation. Lesson 1: give the area a good sniff before you plant yourself.

Winnipeg and the Prairies

Our first stop was in Winnipeg, the so-called Gateway to the West.

With a 4-hour respite you have plenty of time to explore. I suggest missing downtown, which is just offices and shops, and instead heading for the Forks and St. Boniface, which are both conveniently close to the station. The Forks, where the Red  and Assiboine Rivers meet, houses a collection of warehouses and old train carriages that have been newly renovated into markets and cafés. St. Boniface, Winnipeg’s French-speaking quarter, is what you’d expect from a place with Saint in the name. Churches, lots of churches. The St. Boniface Basilica has a big old hole in it, so if you're not shy about a little bit of blaspheming you can try your hand at being at saint.

Give me a sign.

Back on track, and for the next two days there's nothing much but prairie land. It can get a bit monotonous but it is beautiful all the same.

This is what the whole of Saskatchewan looks like.

You will almost certainly get tired of looking out the window for the next two days so your best option is to plant yourself in the observatory deck and let the scenery go by. For me, the observatory also had the added benefit of being stinky-teen free.

The Rockies

The highlight of the trip is undoubtedly the Rockies. The train goes right through Jasper National Park for a full day of jaw dropping beauty. Snow topped mountains, waterfalls, bottomless crystal clear lakes and probably even some unicorns. It's like watching nature tennis - your eyeballs are constantly on the move. Even so, about half way through the morning I felt myself getting a bit drowsy - the side effect of a particularly sleepless night. Thinking I'd caught the best of the show I sneaked back down to the sleeping carriage for a quick catch-up nap. Boy was I in for a surprise. Apparently, in my slumber I was missing some of the best stuff the Rockies had to offer. 

A kind and extremely talkative lady by the name Pat realised I wasn't in the observatory dome and went down to alert me that I was missing some good shit, whereupon she found me deep in sub-conscious contemplation, i.e. fast asleep. Well, that didn't stop her. As my bum was conveniently propped up in the air, she decided to give me a big old smack on that sizable target. I jolted up, unsure what had just happened. Had we crashed? I looked around me in bemusement and finally noticed Pat standing beside me. She must have registered the complete look of shock on my face as I pieced together in my groggy mind what had just happened. "You're missing it," she said quickly and then took off, leaving me rubbing the welt on my left cheek. For some reason, I couldn't get back to sleep after that.

Not that it mattered because shortly after we reached the mountain town of Jasper for a two hour stop, enough time for a bite to eat and  a bit of exploring. If we'd had a day or two in Jasper there are any number of different mountaineering excursions that depart from there - helicopter, horseback, cross country skiing, you name it. Maybe next time.

Who knows, maybe it's just a giant poster off in the distance.

After leaving Jasper and exiting the Rockies we had one more night of travel before we got to Vancouver. Needless to say, I was on high alert for bum slappers and had plenty of time to reflect on our journey. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Sure, it's uncomfortable, monotonous and a little bit sticky by the end of it but you don't get views like this from 30,000 ft. I might not romanticise rail travel as much in the future but it's definitely something you have to do at least once.

Next morning we arrived in Vancouver. I took one final whiff of stinky-teen, shot Pat a cheeky wink and then was on my merry way. I never did see Inspector Poirot, although knowing his tastes he had almost certainly booked himself a cabin.

If you're interested in making the trip, there's plenty of info on VIArail's site. Stay tuned to see how I got on in Vancouver.

Tips

• I'd probably opt for a sleeping berth if I ever made this trip again. However, they can be almost triple the price of economy so they're not cheap. But all is not lost. If your travel days are flexible, VIArail have some fantastic last minute deals on their website. If you book with 48 hours notice you can get a bed and a shower for the price of an economy ticket.
• The observation deck can be pretty empty during the first leg of the trip but don't be fooled. It's guaranteed to be jam-packed when you enter into the Rockies. Get up early or you won't get a seat.
• There's plenty of down time during the journey and not even a wisp of wifi. Have plenty of reading material or download some movies before setting off.